Wednesday, May 20, 2015

And it's nearly June...

Man.
Blogging has fallen waaaaay off my radar.
I've been more driven to draw/sketch than write. 
Day after day, I bust out the colored pencils and practice practice practice.
Ideally, I'd like to get into some kind of class or lessons.
You know what else has fallen waaaaay off my radar?
Riding my bike.
Lately, I run in favor of riding.
I just happen to enjoy it a lot right now,
so I run.
I keep seeking out these trail 10ks because it seems like a good distance for me. I've seen some beautiful new places and trails in the past few months thanks to these races.
And I know I've touched on it before, but I really do feel connected to my mom when I'm running.
I can't believe we're approaching the one year mark of her death.
Is it weird that I don't want it to be a whole year already since she died?
I don't know why that's hanging over my head, but grief is weird.

I've been sick with a stupid kidney infection this week and (no surprise), I just want my mom.
I just want to be like, "Here, can you take my kids for an hour so I can at least be uncomfortable in an empty, quiet house?"
I just want to be like, "Hey, mom, can you make some Queen soup for me?"
I guess I could try to make it, but it wouldn't be the same.

Maybe the tone of this post suggests I'm not doing so great, but that's just today.
I'm good ☺


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Shaking things up

I turned 40 last week...
I have good feelings about my age, so there's really not much to expound upon.
If anything, I'm like, "yay! I got here, let's keep going."
Every day, every year is a gift. As long as I can keep moving & laughing, I can handle anything (I think).
I've been riding a few times a week and it feels so amazing to be back on trails, back in short sleeves, back in the saddle (literally).
I've also been running and have recently challenged myself to a few trail races (10Ks). While I'm not setting the trails on fire with my pace or anything, I'm really digging it.
I find myself thinking about my mom a lot whenever I run/"race." Running was her thing and I like to think I'm channeling my inner Mare when I want to pass someone or when I need to push harder.
All these years, I've shared so many interests & pursuits with my dad (which is awesome, don't get me wrong) and I wish my mom was here to see me embrace something she was so great at.
I mean, who really cares about you placing third in your age group?
Your mom, that's who...

I've decided no mountain bike races for me this season...none, not even "for fun", not even our team race (On the Rocks at French Creek, my fave).
Races cost money and races eat up a whole day.
I'd rather spend the cash on a babysitter and ride with my husband.
Check in with me come fall, though...
I bet I'll be gearing up for a few cross races.

What else?
My dad & I took the kids to see my brother last week.
The worst part of visiting him is when we're in the little "holding pen" (after we've checked in, before we're called back to go to the visiting room).
I always feel uneasy and anxious, thinking about the day he'll finally come through the same door carrying all his possessions, a free man. I worry about all that has transpired since his sentence commenced and I worry about all that can still transpire in the coming years.
But, then we're called back and there's Rob and all is (mostly) well.
He showed Max a few card tricks, read a book to Maeve (Brown Bear, Brown Bear), and shared a mountain of microwave popcorn with us (he's got to be the only inmate who covers a tray with napkins and dumps out THREE bags of popcorn onto it).
I always feel so mentally exhausted (not necessarily in a bad way, but it's a very emotionally taxing experience) after visiting my brother and am almost thankful for the long ride home to sort of decompress (until the kids start coming unglued about 25 miles from our exit).
So that's that...two+ years to go {sigh}.

Having said all that, I guess I'm not exactly shaking things up after all.
But, I don't know what else to call this post.
Drawing has taken the place of writing for a while now. The little bit of writing I do consists of letters to my brother and my friend, Kate, in Colorado.
When the house is quiet, I like to zone out with my colored pencils and just draw draw draw...

Shaking things up?
Not quite...

Friday, March 6, 2015

Right in the gut...POW!

I woke up feeling like, "hmmmm, it's been a while since my mom called me," 
As if she's still alive & we've both been too busy to catch up (which rarely happened because we'd seldom go more than a day without at least calling each other...several times, at that).
The only time I really answer our house phone (yep, we still have a land line) is when my parents' number flashes on caller ID.
So, for that fleeting moment this morning, I felt like my mom was going to call me.
Swiftly, that thought/feeling fizzled, burnt out, snuffed...
Man.
From the top of the world, light as a feather, high as a motherf*cking kite to
POW punched in the gut.


Thursday, March 5, 2015

Why I Shouldn't/can't Drink (beer)

Well...
Reason #1: (see above mess that is the "title" of this "post"...slashes, gratuitous parentheses, wack punctuation...ugh)
Reason #2: see reason #1 (a pattern emerges, huh?)

when will I learn??
One (one!!) full pint (two beers that I couldn't finish=nearly one actually consumed) and I wake up at 2am thinking I must be having a heart attack.**

And decide blogging (not *drunk* blogging per se, but very tired yet can't sleep blogging) is the better course of action than, I don't know, calling an ambulance??

I know these chest pains are just my body's way of reminding me that while Hopdevil is delicious, just one will give me heartburn & disrupt my sleep.

And this is why I (typically) don't drink.

Every once in a while, I break form and imbibe just a little bit...inevitably, even a little bit is too much.

Alcohol makes me feel really, really exceptionally shitty.
I don't like feeling this way.
That's why I don't drink.
No big secret, no issues...I just can't handle even a little bit anymore.

This'll be a fun one to revisit in the light of day.
I guess I'll go eat an entire sleeve (roll?) of Tums & read US Weekly because what else is there at 2:41am?

I've been thinking a lot about social drinking and the culture of buzzed/drunk driving...but, that's another post for another (more lucid, less tired) time.
How about you?
How often & how much do you imbibe?
Am I the only one who literally can't handle their liquor (or beer, as it were), the older I get? 
(full disclosure: I am certain my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds have something to do with this, which is probably a good thing)


**beer math is much harder than shoe math (no wonder 4th grade homework confounds me)


Completely unrelated, but worth mentioning:
I am such a jerk.
I forgot my best friend's 40th birthday last week & didn't realize my mistake til 3 days too late.

Also, completely unrelated (but, it would be weird to devote an entire post to):
My dad has a girlfriend. 
I get weird looks (sympathetic?) when I tell people about her (when I'm asked how my dad is doing & I'm like, "He's great...he's busy/he's climbing/he has a girlfriend...").
Guys, it's cool.
I'm fine.
I like her...like, genuinely like her.
They clearly make each other very happy and really, what more could I want for my dad?
Seriously...relax.
It's cool. 
Trust me, my mom would not want him to be alone (I think she'd be more pissed about the black wheels and ice climbing sticker on "her" car).

Wow, this post sure went off the rails.
See what I mean???




Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Ask & ye shall receive

This afternoon, I received a message from a mom/friend (meaning, we have hung out once in real life, but our paths cross every day via our local-ish Facebook Mom's Group). Her message urged me to start a blog so she can read it (something very graciously along the lines of my posts are usually so relatable...huge, huge compliment).
I wanted to write back, "Be careful what you wish for," but thought better of it & sheepishly/enthusiastically shot her a link to...this.
I warned her it's been nothing but crickets the past few months.
This year has easily been the most quiet on the blog-front since its humble little inception nearly 8 (EIGHT) years ago.
I wish I could say I've been too busy riding/traveling/wrangling kids/having adventures to write/blog; the truth, conversely, is that I haven't been too busy doing much of anything.
My two year-old purposely took a header/jail break out of her crib a few weeks ago, so we went through the inevitable big-girl-bed transition. 
I can happily report she hasn't yet discovered that her door is unlocked and she could potentially help herself to an entire stick of butter, mommy's variety pack of 24 brand new Sharpies, every roll of toilet paper in the house, or any other manner of off-limits stuff while the rest of her family sleeps.
So, there was that.
What else has been keeping me not busy?
Fourth Grade.
I hate Fourth Grade. Like, hate hate.
Fourth grade can eat a...
Nevermind, that's a little inappropriate.
I hate math homework, I hate wrinkled papers, I hate online assignments when the wi-fi craps out, I hate excuse forms that I forget to fill out, I hate conferences and e-mails about my son's inability to remember his "basic facts," I hate the whole lunch money/cafeteria situation (seriously, where does my cash go? I send him with a FIVE DOLLAR bill for pizza and he comes home like, "Pizza was good, but I owe money")...
Do you know how many pairs of outgrown shoes I yardsaled for that five dollar bill?! (Yardsold? I digress)
So, I'm not a fan of fourth grade.
I was all pumped to be super involved and organized and generally just on it this year, but then my mom had to go and die and RUIN everything...
(Relax...I'm kidding, I'm kidding...I love my mom and miss her every single day and no, I don't blame all my laziness and shortcomings on her untimely death...I mean, come on. Everyone knows I was scatterbrained while she was alive)
And that's about it.
Kid stuff...lots of kid stuff.

That was easy.
There's more.
I'll save it (wink wink).


Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Still here (just not *here*)

I've been drawing a lot more than writing.
My Prismacolors are getting worn down to stubs.
Those bitches are expensive!

Friday, January 30, 2015

Kind of a big deal...

My therapist, Tony, gave me the okay to not come back for the foreseeable future.
At the end of this morning's session, I walked out of the office feeling...
Proud??
Lighter??
(And I think it's worth mentioning that the sun was shining, the sky was blue...a reminder that February is a short month and there will be signs of spring in March)
Not proud because I was given the green light to stop psychotherapy...I guess proud of seeing it through and not giving up this time.
Needless to say, that door is always open should I feel compelled...and that door feels a lot less intimidating than it used to.
For now, I am good.
I am well.