Thursday, January 22, 2015

"You just gotta keep livin, man. L-I-V-I-N..."

Last week I was in a major major funk...
Like break down and cry and then cry some more and then keep crying and crying funk.
Tissues balled up, heaving sobs...poor, hapless husband out of ideas, yet not for lack of trying (man, I lucked out with him).
I missed my mom.
I missed my mom like a big baby.
My dad was away and I was having a very feeling-sorry-for-myself moment (a moment that lasted about 48 hours, if we're counting)...I was in full-on wallow mode and there was no getting around or out of it.
I really really really missed my mom.
I mean, I miss her all the time, but I'm not consumed by it.
Last week, I think it's safe to say I was a bit consumed by it.
The things I miss most about my mom lately:
Just her voice and laugh...duh.
Counting on her to just simply hang out with me during the most basic or mundane of tasks..."Mom, I'm cleaning my laundry room/running to Target/raking leaves/grocery shopping/baking banana bread, want to keep me company?" and more times than not, she'd not only be up for it, she'd make it fun.
Asking her for advice...whenever I'm on the verge of a huge parenting fail, I miss calling my mom for guidance/reassurance/a reality check ("Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly...")
Again, I find it's the little things lately...

I went to the cemetery after the snow a few weeks ago and drew silly doodles and notes with a stick all around her site. I don't know what else to do sometimes, you know?
Sometimes, I'm there and I talk out loud.
Sometimes, I'm just sitting there, completely zoned out and thinking of everything but my mom.

Anyway, the day after my most recent meltdown, I stumbled upon Dazed & Confused on IFC after the kids were in bed...right from the opening credits.
Twenty-two years ago, my mom and I saw it in the movie theater together the night it premiered.
We may have giddily pre-gamed in the parking lot (discreetly) in keeping with the errrrr, spirit of the movie.
It was an awesome, albeit ordinary, night out with my mom.
So, I watched it again and felt better when it was over (without any herbal enhancements, I might add).
While I don't think I'd chalk that one up to divine intervention, I can't completely discount that notion.

And, hey, it's a f*cking great movie...I don't care what you say. 

 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Peace out, 2014...

Do I really need to emphasize what a tricky year it's been?
Nah.
After everything we've been through in the past twelve months, I'm certain we are stronger and can handle whatever is thrown at us.
Thank god for my amazing parents, husband, friends, and family.
Thank god for my brother, who could have given up and chosen a much less positive path in his current situation.
Thank god the year is winding down and we have our health and we are still here.
2014 was a rough one, perhaps the most difficult yet...but, this year wasn't without its great moments, too.
I've changed.
I'm still the same.
I am strong.
I'm not afraid to admit when I need some help (that's a new one) and I'm good at pushing through.
So, it hasn't been all bad.
I sure wish Mare was still here to clink glasses of Prosecco with later tonight, but I am okay without her (because I do still have her, if not in the flesh).
Resolutions suck, but I do resolve to appreciate and honor the past and as always,
Only move forward.

Happy New Year...wishing you health & happiness in 2015.

Monday, December 22, 2014

damn (guess I saw this coming)

Inevitably, I've hit the holiday wall just days before Christmas.
Not surprisingly, I'm kind of in a funk.
Yesterday, Maeve turned two and during our very small, very low-key gathering for cake, I pretty much crumbled inside.
I wanted the noise and chatter to stop, I wanted my house empty, and I wanted to never hear "MINE MINE MINE" until 2015 (at least).
Selfishly, I just wanted to sleep.
Wow, how scrooge-y and awful does that sound?
We're lucky enough to have awesome people who want to come and share birthday celebrations with our children and all I could think was make it stop?
What the f*ck is wrong with me?

I'm tired.
I haven't been outside nearly enough (and let's not touch on how painfully little I've been breaking a sweat in the name of a vigorous run or ride), I'm feeling the weight of my mom's absence big time this week, I'm behind on adult responsibilities, I'm stuck in the all too familiar rut of waking nightly at 2 only to fall back asleep, oh, four hours later...
In short, I'm just plain fried.

I have 3 days to get my shit together and conjure up some holiday cheer for our kids.

I'm sure this is all normal, right?

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

here I am...

(I know, I know...my legions of adoring fans have been positively LOST without my typically prolific blog posts)

Well, here I am.
Last month, I scored a part-time job to earn some extra cash for the holidays (and, admittedly, I felt like a distraction would help me deal with Christmastime without my mom).
What I didn't expect was to enjoy said job...I thought I was done with retail (so so so done), but here I am folding clothes/zipping jackets/greeting customers/extolling the virtues of goose down/sweeping floors/suggesting gifts to beleaguered husbands/trying on coats for moms who are buying for their similarly sized daughters/exchanging banter and cookies with coworkers...
In short, I love it.
And I'm staying beyond the holidays because they want me to.
So, yay!
I already got my crying-at-place-of-employment out of the way, following a minor fender bender on my way to work (my fault, totally totally my fault)...so, that's always a great ice breaker during one's first full day on the job, right?
Nothing like showing up twenty minutes late, blotchy and red-faced, apologizing tearfully while simultaneously introducung oneself to other staff members.
"Hi, I'm Kim...I just rear-ended a painfully nice woman on my way to work and ruined all her cookie trays for her grandson's baptism. Sorry I'm late. I'm an ugly crier, my face will look less like...this, soon. I promise."
Between that and surviving Black Friday, I think I can handle anything retail throws at me this time around.
This job has been such a healthy diversion from the gray bleakness that has been looming since before Thanksgiving.
While I've been doing well and feeling so much better, I really miss my mom right now and all her enthusiasm about the holidays.
I see moms shopping with or for their daughters all day long and listen to them with an even mix of wistfulness and envy.
I loved Christmas shopping with my mom.
It's been nearly six months since she died and some days I catch myself feeling guilty for feeling so good, for moving on, for not being consumed with grief anymore (which is ridiculous, because I know my mom would wholeheartedly want me to feel good).
So, while I'm having many more good days than bad, I still feel that wave of homesickness/loss/sadness usually when it's least expected and least appropriate.
I know I'm not the only one feeling this and I am surrounded by so much kindness and love from friends and family...those who randomly check in for no reason other than to say, "you're in my thoughts, here for you" even now, six months later.
That's why I'm having more good days than bad.

I am looking forward to Christmas.
I'm excited to be carrying on my mom's Christmas breakfast tradition (and will be drinking Prosecco in her honor alongside the popovers), I'm excited to watch the kids come downstairs and gasp at the tree, I'm excited for Christmas dinner with my aunt and cousins, I'm excited to fill my husband's stocking with a heartfelt note and his favorite candy...it's going to be fine, it's going to be good.

Here I am.
Blogging/writing a lot less, but still showing up when the urge moves me...still needing/enjoying this outlet and still appreciating every one who checks in (all nine of you).
Thank you for sticking around.
xo

Friday, December 5, 2014

What I haven't blogged about...

Our wonderful Thanksgiving thanks to my favorite cousin.
Quitting Facebook (strangely, I don't feel like I am missing out on anything).
Perfecting my brownie recipe.
My new job (part-time & I love it).
Max's tenth birthday.
Maeve's upcoming second birthday.
Me being emotional about my firstborn turning double digits.
Painting my kitchen yellow, at last.
Reading a hilarious book (Night Terrors).
Not riding.
Running a little bit.
Wishing my best friend lived closer.
Winter (it's coming).
My mom (lately, I just miss the everyday chatter, stopping over for a cup of tea).
My dad (doing well, thanks for asking).
My husband (not riding, either).
Returning to cyclocross on a whim and remembering why it's important to me.
(And in turn,) Realizing what is important to me.


That's what I haven't been blogging about lately.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

DOC on caller ID

My brother called tonight.
I miss him.
He's looking forward to his Thanksgiving jail meal (and hoping he can trade his pumpkin pie for more turkey or mashed potatoes).
I just wish he was here to miss our mom with me...nobody else knew her as a mom like me & Rob did.
We're really good at reminiscing and we really appreciate all things nostalgic (much to the chagrin of anyone unfortunate enough to get stuck listening to us riff on our childhood or bounce inside jokes off each other).
Anyway.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
My cousin has graciously invited us to join them (and I may have accepted a little too eagerly, but hey...)
Give thanks.
xo



Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Epic (an adjective I try not to abuse; in this instance, totally appropriate)

Sunday night, my dad & I saw Stevie Wonder perform Songs in the Key of Life live in its entirety...followed by an encore including a medley of his other gems, ending with an 8 minute version of "Superstition."
I counted 21 musicians/singers onstage at one point (and Stevie Wonder graciously gave each member props by name, including his daughter/backup singer, Aisha).
Somehow, in spite of the vastness of the venue and huge crowd, it felt like an intimate perfomance.
Mind. Blown.
I can't do the experience justice with my words, so I'll just wrap it up:
I feel so lucky to have been in the presence of greatness, one of my idols from as far back as I can remember. Every song was a gift and each gift revealed something better and better.
Being at that concert was like being a kid on the the very best Christmas Day EVER; surprises and goose bumps and wishes fulfilled.
Seriously, life-changing, no exaggeration.
3 days later and I'm still buzzed.